Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
