Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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