if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
