Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
