look no pants
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
