My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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