Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
