mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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