Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
