the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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