then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
