how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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