My sheets look like a crime scene.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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