you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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