Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
