we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
