I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
