Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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