They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
