I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Vodka?
Forever.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
