She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize