i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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