I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
