White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
