Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Acid is not a monday night drug
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
