i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
