I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
