I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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