Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
