Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
