my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
its not stalking. its research.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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