these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
