Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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