I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
