3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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