I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
