How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
