tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
