Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
