I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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