Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
