so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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