nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
