my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think my vagina is haunted
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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