I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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