where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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