I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
