Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
