I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
