besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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