I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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