Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
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