Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
