Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
