I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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