If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize