Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
