I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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